What would life be like?

I don't know about you but there are some things that I just can't wait for to happen, my that one thing is the day I stop having PMS. It will be just great: no more unexplainable uncontrolled cry-attacks. No more sugar-cravings. No more sudden low self-esteem. No more procrastination of work. No more angry outbursts on the people I love. No more so many things. So what would life be like? Would I only always have rational feelings? Would I always feel great? Probably not though. These few months I've kind of loved my PMS, it has been ok. First of all I love myself when I'm bitchy and careless. And that's what happens sometimes: I know I won't get nothing done so I'm like, not even gonna try. Let me enjoy myself or not. Let me wallow in this misery. Because I deserve it. I have the right to feel like shit if I want to. But then it hasn't been awful lately, I have functioned. I haven't been in bed for a week just wishing to lay there forever. That was January. February was ok. March I had a ball of stress in my chest for a couple of days. April ok. May so far? Ok. Only sugar cravings without the like. And let's face it if I would always be on top: how would that be? I mean come on: I'm just great, I don't wanna make people too jealous.

Borderlineanxiety

The borderline

dividing us from the rest

stuck here

is no longer imagined

I can feel it

wrapped in a tight knot 

around my heart

it is physically hindering our presence

I long

Pest or cholera?

Did you see the last episode of Skavlan with Jimmie Åkesson last week? They showed the  infamous commercial for the Swedish Democrats where an old lady is competing against a group of women dressed in burqa in a race to get tax-money; a commercial that certainly leaves a bad aftertaste. But not only the commercial is troublesome, the way the situation was dealt with also raised some questions. When talking about SD and their role in the society it is often said that they increase the polarisation in leading us to tolerate more subtle racism. But I would say that they are not the only contributing factor, we all play a part whether we like to see it or not. The ignorance that Jimme Åkesson showed by saying that he could not see the racism that was displayed in the video-clip was striking and Skavlan, as expected, tried to tell him that it is a racist clip, but he failed to explain why it is racist, which is where the problems with this kind of media-exposure begins. It was like watching two kids: one saying "this is a banana" and the other one replying "no, it is an apple" and nothing more; both are convinced that they know the names of fruits.

So, who is to blame for the situation? Skavlan is responsible for his show and he chooses to invite who he wants. For this show I don't think he had done his research very well. Most people with a bit of imagination could have beforehand guessed that something like that was going to happen, we have seen it so many times before. A host for one of the biggest national talkshows should then be aware and not let those indoctrinations be repeated on the show. Perhaps part of the problem is that he understands that the clip is racist but can't explain why, although as someone working with tv he surely must be aware of how power and structures are reproduced in media, thinking anything else would be an insult. But why didn't he say something? He could have done so many things; pointed out that the clip, by only showing the face of the white woman, reduced the muslim women into a collective, leading the viewers to identify with her rather than them. He could have pointed out that the whole clip is based on a lie since immigration is not a cost that will overpower our society, but rather good for it economically (not that helping people should ever be priced, just saying). I'm not saying that I think by doing so he could have won the argument over Åkesson, but I think he could have shown us viewers a way to question racism and show that it is not ok to sit on national tv and repeat racist doctrines. Now, despite good intentions, nothing changed. And that is why I am tired of all of this. While the racism is being questioned on a shallow level, the racist structure that our society is built on is not being held accountable. Our institutions are not being scrutinised. Media are not asking themselves "what kind of structures are we reproducing that enables racism to be spread through our channels?" We need to see what is hidden under the surface, because after all, what is worse? the racism we can see openly, or the one we can't see, we can't explain, but only feel creeping under our skin? 

Holy Rage

I don't know about you but have you noticed that often at a concert there is this one person that alwaye gets on your nerves? Last night it happened to me again, this time at the Umeå Open festival. Me and some friends were enjoying the Fatta Man concert, an initiative for gender equality by some famous dudes, that tries to raise awareness for equality by setting a positive example. What happens is that this guy (Self-reflection? Hello?!) is dancing outrageosly and pushes his way forward to the stage by really ugly hurtful methods, causing the five girls that are standing around, to take a step back in order not to be crushed. He is now standing in the front enjoying his experience while the girl that was standing in the exact same spot, is probably not so happy, but yhea, shit happens, is what I usually would have thought. But I could see the other girls irritation and I could defenitely feel mine and the absurdity of the situation hits me like a blow; here we are at a concert raising awareness for gender equality and this guy, this guy... And I am hit by a wave of anger, it is as though a holy rage has come over me and I feel an absolute need to hit him. I don't know about you but when I get so angry that I can't control myself I start crying. This was not a favourable position for me, standing there with my tears running, wanting a confrontation and shit! Now my contacts had fallen out, pushed out by me constant stream of tears. I collect them and push my way through the crowd to the bathroom to put them back in. After having done that and explaind the very comic situation to the woman next to me I head back to the battle field, strengthened by the knowledge that I am in control of my anger and my tears. He is still at it, ruining the night for those girls and I think enough is enough and start doing what he does. I dance uncontrollably and push my way towards the fence, find a hole in the crowd and make sure that I completly block him out. He looks at me and says something that I can't be bothered to figure out what it was. But I make sure to not give him any space so that he has to realise his defeat and leave the spot to me, so that I can give it back, while he goes to defend his honour by acting the same way at another spot. But I dare say that I won that fight and the other girls around looked as content as I felt. Maybe next time one of them will do it for me when I don't have the power to. I certainly hope so.