How to kill a conversation

Yesterday I was with a dear friend of mine. We usually just chill and talk or whatever, or I don't know if I can say usually, cause we are kind of new friends. But nevertheless it's one of those rare people that you find and just take an instant liking to, sometimes it happens in life I've found, that you meet someone and you feel like you've known them forever. So, we were sitting at home on the sofa talking and watching tv. And I don't know what we talked about but my friend decided to give me an advice. I don't know about you but I feel that if you really wanna kill a conversation, you should start giving out great advices, cause really where can one go after that? If it's not a horrible, obnoxious advice, all there is to do, is nod, at the best give some response and possibly smile. And that's the end of that. I'm sorry for saying this, I still love you and all of my other friends that does the same thing. I'm just saying I wouldn't love you less if you after your great advices' sometimes would ask: or what is your opinion? Cause sometimes I also have things to say, but maybe I just don't know how to put my thoughts together after all those great speeches.

Uninspiration

I don't know how it is that the most interesting courses can be so totally boring? I am taking a course on gender perspectives in education and I mean, COME ON! How can that even begin to make me bored? ME?! I live for that. Once again a manifestation of how inspired teachers are needed, teachers that can formulate appropriate tasks and guide the students in an appropriate way. Both lacking in this case. I pray I won't make my students as bored... Bored to the extent that I would almost rather fail than complete the tasks. That's some serious boredom.

The end of something

How is it that when we are coming to the end of the road of a given situation, that has been trying, but not all together bad, that we cease to see the good things and easily get caught up in negative emotions? I had, for example, been living in a place for a year or so and had quiet like it. But it wasn't perfect, so I started looking for some place new and when I had signed the lease for the new place I just couldn't get out of there fast enough. Everything, big or small, annoyed me. I think the same thing often happens in a relationship, the things that we would put up with before, are so difficult to tolerate at the end, when a final decision to cut the ties has been made. Maybe it has to do with the fear of something new. When we are breaking up with someone that we love we somehow have to motivate to ourselves that we are doing the right thing. So we give room to the negative things, possibly hurt the other partner even more, so that nothing new can be built out of the ashes and the moving forward is inevitable. To avoid destructive endings we therefore have to, by all means, try to avoid getting caught in the heat of the moment and see it for what it is. The end of one thing and the start of something else. 

Enough is enough!

Am getting so tired of whose story is being told everywhere, that is, that of the white man. Every time I read a new book or see a new film they haunt me. I feel that if they are still as dominant  as they are we have not taken affirmation action far enough. We should just say stop, we don't wanna hear anymore, we've heard the story and know the ending. You have to step down now and give space for someone else. To learn something new we need to see some new perspectives. If you also have this problem a tip is to only watch movies that have passed the Bechdel test (See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test ) and thus avoid for example: Harry Potter and the deathly hallows: part two, The Lord of the rings, The social network, Avatar and Star Wars. One movie I intend to watch soon is Dear White People.

Lost things

I keep on loosing things and it is annoying me. Some are important to me for either sentimental or utilitarian purposes. Here is a list of a few things I've lost the last couple of months:

Earrings I've gotten as a gift from my baby (not the first pair ever lost though)
Underwear (HOW? But I'm sure I'm not the only one)
A lipstick (How am I supposed to put the finishing touches to my make-up?)
Keys (classic)
gloves (such is the winter in Sweden)
My mother's scarf (luckily found it by accidentally taking the same road twice)

And these are the things I've lost, let's not talk about the things I've broken.

The critical movment

My sweetheart is on the way to the the embassy to get his visa. His flight to Sweden leaves tuesday, but before that there are so many things that has to happen. He has to get to the Swedish embassy. Safe. He has to leave the Swedish embassy. Safe. He has to get to the airport. Safe. All these things that were safe just a month ago. One could get robbed, yes, but one was not targeted to be killed or assaulted for one's nationality, in broad daylight. This week has been a nervous waiting for today; the critical movement. We haven't talked, of fear of someone hearing his voice. He has been to an immigrant camp that prooved to have lacking security so the last few days he has been staying at a friend's house that is risking a lot for hiding him. Now, soon, freedom, God willing. And here I am at home, preparing for his arrival, read: cleaning up my shit. So it better happen. There is no alternative, cause I already did the groceries.

Fear

My urge for my partner to come here has never been as big as it is now. Not because the longing has ever been this big but because it is extremely dangerous for him to be where he is right now: Johannesburg South Africa, where people are being told by the government to stay inside, in order to not get attacked and killed by mobs looking for foreigners they want out of the country. And here I am without any possibility to do something. I just have to wait for time to pass. This one week before he is allowed to come here couldn't be longer or more uncertain. Right now he is hiding in a friend's flat, too scared to even talk to me on the phone in order to not make noise. And I'm so scared, every minute I don't hear from him is just building up the fear. And if something happens, how will I find out? Who would tell me? We're not married, how would someone know that over here there's someone waiting to hear from him? And I can't imagine how scared he and everyone else must be. And I wonder what will happen after today when they don't have food in the flat anymore? Or if they run out of electricity and can't go to buy more? I just wish he could come now. Just now. To be safe.

What would life be like?

I don't know about you but there are some things that I just can't wait for to happen, my that one thing is the day I stop having PMS. It will be just great: no more unexplainable uncontrolled cry-attacks. No more sugar-cravings. No more sudden low self-esteem. No more procrastination of work. No more angry outbursts on the people I love. No more so many things. So what would life be like? Would I only always have rational feelings? Would I always feel great? Probably not though. These few months I've kind of loved my PMS, it has been ok. First of all I love myself when I'm bitchy and careless. And that's what happens sometimes: I know I won't get nothing done so I'm like, not even gonna try. Let me enjoy myself or not. Let me wallow in this misery. Because I deserve it. I have the right to feel like shit if I want to. But then it hasn't been awful lately, I have functioned. I haven't been in bed for a week just wishing to lay there forever. That was January. February was ok. March I had a ball of stress in my chest for a couple of days. April ok. May so far? Ok. Only sugar cravings without the like. And let's face it if I would always be on top: how would that be? I mean come on: I'm just great, I don't wanna make people too jealous.

Borderlineanxiety

The borderline

dividing us from the rest

stuck here

is no longer imagined

I can feel it

wrapped in a tight knot 

around my heart

it is physically hindering our presence

I long

Pest or cholera?

Did you see the last episode of Skavlan with Jimmie Åkesson last week? They showed the  infamous commercial for the Swedish Democrats where an old lady is competing against a group of women dressed in burqa in a race to get tax-money; a commercial that certainly leaves a bad aftertaste. But not only the commercial is troublesome, the way the situation was dealt with also raised some questions. When talking about SD and their role in the society it is often said that they increase the polarisation in leading us to tolerate more subtle racism. But I would say that they are not the only contributing factor, we all play a part whether we like to see it or not. The ignorance that Jimme Åkesson showed by saying that he could not see the racism that was displayed in the video-clip was striking and Skavlan, as expected, tried to tell him that it is a racist clip, but he failed to explain why it is racist, which is where the problems with this kind of media-exposure begins. It was like watching two kids: one saying "this is a banana" and the other one replying "no, it is an apple" and nothing more; both are convinced that they know the names of fruits.

So, who is to blame for the situation? Skavlan is responsible for his show and he chooses to invite who he wants. For this show I don't think he had done his research very well. Most people with a bit of imagination could have beforehand guessed that something like that was going to happen, we have seen it so many times before. A host for one of the biggest national talkshows should then be aware and not let those indoctrinations be repeated on the show. Perhaps part of the problem is that he understands that the clip is racist but can't explain why, although as someone working with tv he surely must be aware of how power and structures are reproduced in media, thinking anything else would be an insult. But why didn't he say something? He could have done so many things; pointed out that the clip, by only showing the face of the white woman, reduced the muslim women into a collective, leading the viewers to identify with her rather than them. He could have pointed out that the whole clip is based on a lie since immigration is not a cost that will overpower our society, but rather good for it economically (not that helping people should ever be priced, just saying). I'm not saying that I think by doing so he could have won the argument over Åkesson, but I think he could have shown us viewers a way to question racism and show that it is not ok to sit on national tv and repeat racist doctrines. Now, despite good intentions, nothing changed. And that is why I am tired of all of this. While the racism is being questioned on a shallow level, the racist structure that our society is built on is not being held accountable. Our institutions are not being scrutinised. Media are not asking themselves "what kind of structures are we reproducing that enables racism to be spread through our channels?" We need to see what is hidden under the surface, because after all, what is worse? the racism we can see openly, or the one we can't see, we can't explain, but only feel creeping under our skin? 

Holy Rage

I don't know about you but have you noticed that often at a concert there is this one person that alwaye gets on your nerves? Last night it happened to me again, this time at the Umeå Open festival. Me and some friends were enjoying the Fatta Man concert, an initiative for gender equality by some famous dudes, that tries to raise awareness for equality by setting a positive example. What happens is that this guy (Self-reflection? Hello?!) is dancing outrageosly and pushes his way forward to the stage by really ugly hurtful methods, causing the five girls that are standing around, to take a step back in order not to be crushed. He is now standing in the front enjoying his experience while the girl that was standing in the exact same spot, is probably not so happy, but yhea, shit happens, is what I usually would have thought. But I could see the other girls irritation and I could defenitely feel mine and the absurdity of the situation hits me like a blow; here we are at a concert raising awareness for gender equality and this guy, this guy... And I am hit by a wave of anger, it is as though a holy rage has come over me and I feel an absolute need to hit him. I don't know about you but when I get so angry that I can't control myself I start crying. This was not a favourable position for me, standing there with my tears running, wanting a confrontation and shit! Now my contacts had fallen out, pushed out by me constant stream of tears. I collect them and push my way through the crowd to the bathroom to put them back in. After having done that and explaind the very comic situation to the woman next to me I head back to the battle field, strengthened by the knowledge that I am in control of my anger and my tears. He is still at it, ruining the night for those girls and I think enough is enough and start doing what he does. I dance uncontrollably and push my way towards the fence, find a hole in the crowd and make sure that I completly block him out. He looks at me and says something that I can't be bothered to figure out what it was. But I make sure to not give him any space so that he has to realise his defeat and leave the spot to me, so that I can give it back, while he goes to defend his honour by acting the same way at another spot. But I dare say that I won that fight and the other girls around looked as content as I felt. Maybe next time one of them will do it for me when I don't have the power to. I certainly hope so.