The critical movment

My sweetheart is on the way to the the embassy to get his visa. His flight to Sweden leaves tuesday, but before that there are so many things that has to happen. He has to get to the Swedish embassy. Safe. He has to leave the Swedish embassy. Safe. He has to get to the airport. Safe. All these things that were safe just a month ago. One could get robbed, yes, but one was not targeted to be killed or assaulted for one's nationality, in broad daylight. This week has been a nervous waiting for today; the critical movement. We haven't talked, of fear of someone hearing his voice. He has been to an immigrant camp that prooved to have lacking security so the last few days he has been staying at a friend's house that is risking a lot for hiding him. Now, soon, freedom, God willing. And here I am at home, preparing for his arrival, read: cleaning up my shit. So it better happen. There is no alternative, cause I already did the groceries.

Fear

My urge for my partner to come here has never been as big as it is now. Not because the longing has ever been this big but because it is extremely dangerous for him to be where he is right now: Johannesburg South Africa, where people are being told by the government to stay inside, in order to not get attacked and killed by mobs looking for foreigners they want out of the country. And here I am without any possibility to do something. I just have to wait for time to pass. This one week before he is allowed to come here couldn't be longer or more uncertain. Right now he is hiding in a friend's flat, too scared to even talk to me on the phone in order to not make noise. And I'm so scared, every minute I don't hear from him is just building up the fear. And if something happens, how will I find out? Who would tell me? We're not married, how would someone know that over here there's someone waiting to hear from him? And I can't imagine how scared he and everyone else must be. And I wonder what will happen after today when they don't have food in the flat anymore? Or if they run out of electricity and can't go to buy more? I just wish he could come now. Just now. To be safe.

What would life be like?

I don't know about you but there are some things that I just can't wait for to happen, my that one thing is the day I stop having PMS. It will be just great: no more unexplainable uncontrolled cry-attacks. No more sugar-cravings. No more sudden low self-esteem. No more procrastination of work. No more angry outbursts on the people I love. No more so many things. So what would life be like? Would I only always have rational feelings? Would I always feel great? Probably not though. These few months I've kind of loved my PMS, it has been ok. First of all I love myself when I'm bitchy and careless. And that's what happens sometimes: I know I won't get nothing done so I'm like, not even gonna try. Let me enjoy myself or not. Let me wallow in this misery. Because I deserve it. I have the right to feel like shit if I want to. But then it hasn't been awful lately, I have functioned. I haven't been in bed for a week just wishing to lay there forever. That was January. February was ok. March I had a ball of stress in my chest for a couple of days. April ok. May so far? Ok. Only sugar cravings without the like. And let's face it if I would always be on top: how would that be? I mean come on: I'm just great, I don't wanna make people too jealous.

Borderlineanxiety

The borderline

dividing us from the rest

stuck here

is no longer imagined

I can feel it

wrapped in a tight knot 

around my heart

it is physically hindering our presence

I long

Pest or cholera?

Did you see the last episode of Skavlan with Jimmie Åkesson last week? They showed the  infamous commercial for the Swedish Democrats where an old lady is competing against a group of women dressed in burqa in a race to get tax-money; a commercial that certainly leaves a bad aftertaste. But not only the commercial is troublesome, the way the situation was dealt with also raised some questions. When talking about SD and their role in the society it is often said that they increase the polarisation in leading us to tolerate more subtle racism. But I would say that they are not the only contributing factor, we all play a part whether we like to see it or not. The ignorance that Jimme Åkesson showed by saying that he could not see the racism that was displayed in the video-clip was striking and Skavlan, as expected, tried to tell him that it is a racist clip, but he failed to explain why it is racist, which is where the problems with this kind of media-exposure begins. It was like watching two kids: one saying "this is a banana" and the other one replying "no, it is an apple" and nothing more; both are convinced that they know the names of fruits.

So, who is to blame for the situation? Skavlan is responsible for his show and he chooses to invite who he wants. For this show I don't think he had done his research very well. Most people with a bit of imagination could have beforehand guessed that something like that was going to happen, we have seen it so many times before. A host for one of the biggest national talkshows should then be aware and not let those indoctrinations be repeated on the show. Perhaps part of the problem is that he understands that the clip is racist but can't explain why, although as someone working with tv he surely must be aware of how power and structures are reproduced in media, thinking anything else would be an insult. But why didn't he say something? He could have done so many things; pointed out that the clip, by only showing the face of the white woman, reduced the muslim women into a collective, leading the viewers to identify with her rather than them. He could have pointed out that the whole clip is based on a lie since immigration is not a cost that will overpower our society, but rather good for it economically (not that helping people should ever be priced, just saying). I'm not saying that I think by doing so he could have won the argument over Åkesson, but I think he could have shown us viewers a way to question racism and show that it is not ok to sit on national tv and repeat racist doctrines. Now, despite good intentions, nothing changed. And that is why I am tired of all of this. While the racism is being questioned on a shallow level, the racist structure that our society is built on is not being held accountable. Our institutions are not being scrutinised. Media are not asking themselves "what kind of structures are we reproducing that enables racism to be spread through our channels?" We need to see what is hidden under the surface, because after all, what is worse? the racism we can see openly, or the one we can't see, we can't explain, but only feel creeping under our skin?